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Read Christian Hill's blog, "Conversations with a Cutter"

You are not alone

“I cut because…

… it helps me express what I’m feeling on the inside.”

… it’s a release from all the stress.”

… I feel like a failure and deserve to be punished.”

… it makes the pain REAL…it’s something I can see and feel.”

… it keeps me from hurting someone else or breaking something.”

… it helps me feel alive and powerful.”

… I see others hurting and don’t know how to deal with it.”

… it helps distract me from my emotional pain.”

… I’m so confused and it helps me focus.”

… the scars remind me of who I really am and the mistakes I’ve made.”

… then people can see how much I am hurting.”

… it gives me something to control.”

… it feels good and I like the pain.”

Cutting is not the problem

As a therapist who works with cutters, I’ve made it my goal to shut up, listen and seek understanding. I know how much of a struggle it is for you to understand what is going on with yourself. You gave me permission to understand you through your journal entries, poetry, art, lyrics, music, and most of all your questions. I’ve learned to look past the scars and see you - the person - and the pain you are feeling. You taught me that cutting is not the problem, it’s only a symptom of the problem. The problem is the intense emotional pain, or lack thereof, that you feel day in and day out and the inability to cope with it. You taught me your frustration with people who don’t understand and say, “just stop,” or in one way or another turn your pain around and make it all about them. Once I began to understand, I soon realized you were screaming at me. OK, maybe not with words, but through self injury. They are silent, but the scars still scream of the pain you feel on the inside. Even though most cutters struggle to communicate what they are feeling, behind closed doors they usually share very similar thoughts and questions. Whether you’ve only cut once or you’re cutting on a regular basis, you need to know that you are not alone.

One of the traps of self injury is convincing yourself that no one can or will understand you, or that what you are experiencing is not important enough to share with others. Although others may not understand why you cut, the truth is they don’t have to fully understand to help you. Once you convince yourself that no one understands, the cutting and self injury begin to take over and spiral out of control.

There is hope

Over the years I’ve seen many cutters overcome their battle with self-injury. This comes through understanding what drives you to cut, communicating what you feel to others and re-engaging in relationships and passions in life that make you unique.

How do you do this? Where do you start? Many cutters have a “love-hate” relationship with cutting. When you’re ready to begin this new journey, ask yourself three questions:

• How does cutting help me?
• How does cutting hurt me?
• How has my self injury impacted others?

After you answer these questions you can decide whether cutting is worth holding on to. Once you realize that cutting is doing more harm than good, it’s time to move on and say goodbye.

A former cutter writes:

Dear Cutting,

"You helped me tremendously over the past two years. In the beginning, the very first time, I used you for attention. As much as I don’t like to admit it, that’s what I did. It was negative attention and I found that I was uncomfortable by that attention. I felt like I deserved your darkness. When I was angry I used you to calm me down and felt that it was the only real way to express the rage. I cut when I was sad and broken, which was behind my anger. You became my addiction after two or three months. I couldn’t change my family nor could I change the past. I never could and never will. But I could cut. I cut a lot. I had my own ritual and every time I followed my ritual I felt stronger at first, then ashamed. When I tried to cry, no tears came. So I cried bloody tears. I won’t forget the sad, disgusted, angry looks of hospital staff, parents, and therapists. I haven’t used you in a long time, but I never thought of writing you a letter. Now I am saying goodbye, Cutting. Goodbye to the security, the false control, the shame…and thank you for keeping me alive at my most difficult times."

After you are able to honestly confront cutting and say goodbye in this way, then the battle is half won. It is also a good idea to say goodbye to the things that you used to cut. When you throw out your sacred razor, piece of glass, safety pin, or whatever else you have used to hurt yourself – that’s saying “goodbye.” You can do this on your own or with a trusted friend, therapist, school counselor, youth leader, or loved one. Remember they don’t have to fully understand cutting in order to respect your courage in wanting to change.

Out of all the alternatives you have, the most helpful is your ability to connect with others. By connecting, I mean the ability to open up with someone who cares about you and using your words to express the pain inside. When you have a safe and supportive environment where you can explore and express what is going on within, eventually the cutting takes care of itself. I’m aware of your fear and difficulty in dealing with disappointment. However this fear is the trap that keeps you from getting better. Even though you may have learned to rely on cutting it only increases loneliness, isolation, shame, guilt, and lots of damaging emotions.

My encouragement to you is to consider whether the short term relief of cutting and the scars it leaves really helps you and your future, or is it simply helping you survive one more day?

If your decision is to find a way to stop, then I encourage you to break the vicious cycle of secrecy and confide in someone you trust who has your best interests in mind. If you don’t feel like you have someone like this in your life, please contact the Alpine Connection offices.

Whether you feel nothing at all, or feel like you are going to explode from all the stress inside, other cutters have experienced similar pain and have overcome cutting’s deception.

Remember, you are not alone…there is hope.

Copyright 2006, Christian T. Hill, MA, Alpine Connection Counseling.

Christian T. Hill, MA, has worked with students for close to twenty years and has been involved in youth ministry and leadership for over ten years. In 2002 he started Alpine Connection Counseling to begin meeting the needs of teens and parents who were struggling and desperate to find solutions. With a master’s degree in community counseling at the University of Northern Colorado, Christian began a counseling practice focused on helping teens and parents. He also served an internship at Cedar Springs Hospital under the supervision of a clinical psychiatrist. Christian desires to provide creative solutions for teens and families with some proven alternative approaches. He lives with his wife and two children in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

719-233-TEEN (8336)